To the People in My Life

I’ve previously known of the healing technique where you write letters to someone with all the things you would like to say to them, but unlike the traditional purpose of letters, you never send them. They aren’t meant to be read by the recipient, but rather to be written by the sender. 

To the people in my life:

We see each other every day, but I honestly feel like our relationship is better when we don’t. When you’re away on trips or just not here, that’s when I feel most at home. You used to ask me what I did for your birthday. But can I ask what you did on December 11? Because all I remember is having to follow you for something you wanted to do. All I remember are tears rolling down my face. All I remember is a bruised left cheek as your gift to me, your darling dearest. And maybe you did apologize, but after 18 years of false hope, don’t blame me for not recognizing it. Not after you’ve stained my ears with hatred and confusion of my self worth and angry phone calls. Not after you make me question every “I love you.” and “I’m sorry.” And certainly not after you, who should have given me strength to keep going, gave me the reason why death sounded more enticing than living with you. But you know what hurts the most? The fact that I still love you even after all that.

Somehow you justified ruining my mental health for the uplifting of your own. I’m still confused by your logic. The same logic that gets angry and apathetic to my tears of protest when I didn’t answer the phone for ten minutes, but completely disregards the ten phone calls I made in frustration over three hours. Frustration over the little things because you were never there for me when I had to deal with big things. Like during milestones in school, I never saw you in the audience and I never had anyone to wave to. When I was emotionally broken down by people, you were busy for reasons that you refuse to let me cite. You were busy working hard to give me everything, but all I ever really wanted was your love. I just wanted you to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. To cope, I came to expect that you wouldn’t and you really never broke that mindset. But it’s fine now because I’ve learned to tell myself what I should have heard from you. I’ve stopped trying to be understood by you and instead I’m beginning to understand you.

Where were you when I needed you? Why did you always leave when I most wanted your company? Why did you make our friendship a memory and a past tense? Why did you never call us what I wanted us to be called? And why are you so easily able to call the new person in your life your “best friend” when it was that difficult for us? I used to wonder if I wasn’t enough for you. Yet, there were times when you made me feel at home when nobody else could and there were conversations I could only have with you. However, despite all that, life pulled us apart, and maybe that’s for the best. I guess that’s why we’re better off being distant and reconnecting every once in a while. Perhaps that also ironically shows how strong our friendship is: we withstand time and distance. I cherish all the memories I have with you, but I’m glad we have found new friendships that we are truly comfortable in, even if it’s not with each other.

You, in some mysterious way, when I wasn’t looking, made me understand and feel every love language. You are such an unexpectedly pleasant surprise in my life because I never imagined we would become this close. And now, every moment I spend with you is my favorite. Every hug leaves your smell on my arms. Every car ride is fun even if we aren’t talking and just nodding our heads to the music we both love. Every compliment I receive from you mends my broken heart. Every gift I get from you shows how well you know me and I put them everywhere I am most. Everything you do for me is out of love and care for me and even if it means going out your way, you never fail to be dependable. Thank you for being my every love language. (You might know me well enough that you would even be able to identify who each of these paragraphs are addressed to).

You’re so far away and I miss you so much, but I think our time apart has made me love you even more. You were my first friend and my closest ally. You know what I went through and I’m starting to tear up as I write this because you were the only one I could trust for such a long time. And while you certainly had your flaws and we went through rough times, you were still the only reliable one in my life. When the people who should have taken care of me couldn’t, you gave me your time, you took me out with your friends even if it was embarrassing, and you took me out for fun outings to distract me from a harsh reality. I wish I could give you a big hug, but I’ll hold onto it for when you come back.

I gave you my heart and yet, now, I can’t even call it love because of what happened. You are the only time I regretted my writing. You messed with my vulnerability. You laughed behind my back at my words. You never meant the things you said. I should have recognized your judgemental attitude and cowardly behavior, but naive me wouldn’t let myself move on from you. I held onto the good parts of you, or what I thought they were, and I was too blinded by infatuation to see that “we” were not meant to happen. But you still taught me so much, so I’ll be civil and say that I don’t regret having you in my past.

You are a new beginning. I don’t know much about you except a few things, but I decided to overcome my fear and just start things. I also decided not to hold you to such high expectations and to just see how things go. Because I finally know what I want, what I deserve, and when to say no. Because I finally love myself first.

I believe the people in our lives are there for a reason. Just as I didn’t (and couldn’t) write about all of the people in my life, there are so many people that pass by us in fleeting moments and experiences. Some people come into our lives to teach us something. Some people come into our lives for their own advantage. Some people seem like everything, but life takes them away. Some people slowly become everything to us. Some people come into our lives when we aren’t looking and make us want to become the best version of ourselves. People and the experiences they bring affect us in visibly clear but also unimaginable ways.

The people in your life come, stay, leave, and change. One thing I have realized is that you are the only constant in your life. How you treat yourself. How you treat others. And how you find love and understanding from your relationships with the people in your life.