I fear the deep ocean and abysses. I really don’t like how it’s just darkness and I don’t know what’s out there. I get so uncomfortable if I look at images of the ocean for too long. Actually, I’m pretty uncomfortable just imagining them right now.
I really don’t like when there are too many things collected in one place. This goes for crowds too.
I have an irrational fear of car accidents. I have had countless dreams of losing control while driving a car, And when I was younger, I often feared that my parents wouldn’t come back because they got into a car accident.
For so long, I hated making mistakes. I put myself down so much for a mistake that is so insignificant in retrospect. I still have trouble reassuring myself that mistakes are normal and even necessary. I’m scared of trying and failing because I wonder what the point of trying is if it can’t be perfect.
I fear losing loved ones. I fear getting attached to someone just to lose them. I overcompensate to try to keep them in my life, but this pushes them away further. I would change myself, but that just resulted in losing myself. I get scared that someone has stopped loving me just because of one off-hand comment. I love too hard, but I also fall away too quickly. I form meaningful connections, but I push them away when I think they are getting too close. I don’t tell the people I care about most about the vulnerable parts of my life. I fear they’ll judge me and I don’t want to lose them so I fear being authentic. And then I realized that most people in your life are meant to leave. I believe that people that were meant to leave are going to leave regardless of what you say or do. Better yet, I’ve realized that the people that were meant to say will love you more because of what you say and do. They will love you more because you show them your most authentic self.
I hate being misunderstood. I hate making the wrong impression on someone. I overthink so many interactions and the only reason I don’t obsess about all of them is because I can’t remember all of them.
I hate the feeling of being judged. I say the “feeling of” because I’ve realized that most of the time the only one judging you is you.
I fear losing autonomy and control. This relates to my fear of car accidents and abysses. I don’t like not knowing. And maybe this is why I like spending time alone so much. The moment another person gets involved, that’s one more opinion and voice and feelings I have to take into consideration. But I’ve grown to embrace ignorance and life’s beautiful quality of not knowing the future. So much of life’s beauty comes from not understanding exactly how something works but seeing how amazingly every piece connects. So much of life’s excitement comes from taking the risk to be vulnerable despite heartbreak and rejection. Letting yourself not be in control for once is ironically part of growing up.
I don’t like being at the center of attention. I’m so glad the world doesn’t revolve around me because I would simply faint from all the eyes on me. I know exactly what the clock on the wall looks like because that’s all I can look at while I’m speaking aloud.
I sometimes fear that I will never be loved. This affected every kind of relationship I had. And then I look around me and all I see love. A quiet kind of love. It took me 19 years to realize love is quiet. It’s so incredibly silent that you don’t even realize it’s ingraining itself into every part of your daily life. In some mysterious way, love has weaved its way around your delicate heart, which you swore to never let anyone break. Even in the face of rejection, I gave my heart. I stay for the person not the label. And I don’t know what “love” really means, but I realize I might have it. They offer nothing to me but their presence and for me, that’s more than enough. Even when I’m so tired, spending time with them isn’t a chore.
I too often fear that I won’t ‘make it’ in life. The doubt of my capabilities settle in and slowly eat away at my confidence, undermining my achievements and gnawing away at everything I love. I search online if my college is even a good school. If I’m doing enough for a 19 year old. And then I remember that I’m only 19 years old. I remember that I’m a writer. And that with that writing, I’ve healed people when I wasn’t even trying. I remember that even though I can’t always feel love around me, it’s there. God has shown love and continues to overwhelmingly love me through His word, the people in my life, the places I belong to, and the strangers I observe. I realize that this fear of not “making it” is a figment of my destructive thoughts. Because what even is a successful life but one in which you find happiness. One where you find gratitude for the people in your life and the beautiful world God created.
And I fear that I will always fear.
But then I remember that everything worthwhile is scary. That I have people and things in my life that are worth taking a risk for.
*a quick moment of reflection: i actually wrote this a few weeks ago and meant to publish it then, but i didn’t feel ready to until tonight. but i’m really glad i waited because i realized tonight that in the short span of a few weeks, these greatest fears of mine actually don’t daunt me as much anymore. this moment of reflection showed me how much i can change and grow and experience in such a short time and it warms my heart to see how much healing and growth i am undergoing.
As Written by Lois 