This is the first of a series of letters that I’ve been meaning to write. I did a similar piece a few months ago called “To the People in My Life”, but these dive more deeply and honestly.
If I could go back and tell my younger self something, what would I say? What could I possibly manage to say that would help her? Would she even believe me? Or would she still be too blinded by pain to hear the truth? The truth that she is loved. That she’s going to be okay. That better days are ahead of her. That one day, she will stop seeking validation in people and find Christ to be her greatest joy. How would she react? And even if she did believe me, would that change anything?
This is my story. And how it became one in which God worked his miraculous healing and salvation. How my story became God’s story.
I’d like to preface this with the fact that I am okay now. I am happy and have found love in my heavenly Father.
Growing up, I had a bad relationship with my dad. He physically and verbally abused my mom and brother, and as I grew older, me. I still grimace whenever these painful memories come back. Now, I understand how my life has turned out for the better, but I still have yet to grasp how a father who was supposed to cherish and tenderly love and adore me could hurt me in those ways. I never understood it, and I still don’t. I often wish I could forget my past because it hurts so much.
But where my earthly father failed, my heavenly Father healed. He gave me a community of believers who embodied the love of Christ and bore the weight on their shoulders with so much joy. I have never been happier, and nothing brings me greater peace than being able to worship and talk about my faith. Now, I’m not trying to cope with my past by saying that my present is better because of it, but rather knowing that my present is better despite it because of Jesus.
I can say, with full assurance, that the pain was not my story. That was simply the opening to the greatest love story I have ever experienced. That pain did not make my identity. It was a mere stepping stone to allow room for the story God wanted to include me in. My part in God’s story began from the moment He chose me to be born. I thought I would never be chosen and then I realized that God chose me from before the womb, finally giving me life through a healthy birth out of countless miscarriages. I was chosen from a place of prayer, being dedicated by my parents to live a life for God before I even took a single breath of this earth.
And for so long, I thought I would never be loved. And then I met Jesus, who showed me love even when I was at my worst. In fact, I saw His love shine through especially when I was at my lowest. I thought I had to fight for my life, and how I fought. Then, in my moment of greatest despair, I was told my life has already been won. I thought I had nobody, but then I learned God is ever present in my life and He gave me people who love me and are there for me.
So, dear younger me, don’t let go. My first instinct was to tell you not to worry as much, but I can’t bring myself to say that because part of me still wonders if that fear of giving up, if that anxiety for the future is what kept you going. It doesn’t make sense, but what part of this earthly life does? I know you’re going to worry and drive yourself mad, but don’t give up. Under no circumstances. It gets better, and I’m really not just saying that. It’ll take time, but I finally believe why people say, “good things take time.” We all wish they didn’t, but that time and patience and waiting and yearning for the better is what makes us appreciate the result moreso. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be so happy, so don’t give up. When life gets hard, lean on the God who has never let you down. Even when you’re angry at Him for allowing this pain in your life, lean on Him. Because He’s the only One who keeps His promises of love and faithfulness. Peace won’t be found in the things of this world, but in the love you find in God and His people. And once you’ve found this peace and joy, don’t be afraid to share it with everyone you cherish.
All of your tears will be worth it. All in good time.
With so much love,
Lois
As Written by Lois 