It’s frustrating to think that you will perhaps never get it. But, in another, twisted kind of way, maybe that’s what liberates me. To know that you won’t ever understand how you made me feel makes it easier to forgive you. To realize that maybe things were out of control for you too. To understand that loving someone does not always mean being loved back the same way.
To wish you to love me in an unconditional kind of way might be too much to ask from people who never understand the importance of family. It’s tragic, really. That I need to wish you would understand love. That all I ever wanted was your love. You left me longing for something that was so basic and fundamental that I was left at the edge of a cliff, grasping at straws of attention and affection from anyone and anything else. All I wanted was for you to show up. Just have been there when I needed you. Only to have been ready to give me a hug when my face twisted with grief. Simply to say the three words you stopped saying after a few years.
But to wish you to be anything other than what you are is foolish and in vain. It has come to my attention recently that there is a reason why I am in this season of my life. I have many prayers to pray and relationships to mend. Some of them, like the one with you, are not up to my control or decision making. Instead, I have realized, a relationship with you means letting go of control and allowing God to take over even if it hurts and goes against everything I have known. Maybe that means leaving your physical space. Or just putting up more boundaries to make things easier. I don’t exactly know what that will look like from now on, but I know I’m not going to give up on you. It simply goes against my nature to let go of someone I care about, even if that is what you did to me. I will not be the same person who you were for me, but I also cannot allow myself to continue to be trampled by your neglect and piercing words. So, however God wants me to do it, I won’t give up on you because I love you, even if you are someone who will perhaps never understand.
Love,
Your Daughter
As Written by Lois 