*This is the final draft of a testimony I had the blessed opportunity to share at Cru Fall Retreat 2024. Many thanks to my friends who supported me and prayed with me through the writing of this. And all glory to God who used me to speak to many people that night.
After I knew I was going to share my testimony today, I began reflecting on my time in Guatemala and with Filter of Hope. But the words just weren’t coming together. The only word that was coming up in my mind was The Word, God’s Word. He kept putting in my mind 2 Corinthians 12:9.
Every day and every moment on that trip called for my surrender to God’s grace and strength. And oh how faithful God was in giving me the grace and strength for each day. So, I decided that rather than sharing about the really good experiences and conversations I had – which I did! – I wanted to share about a day on the trip where I felt really weak and really inadequate.
The first day, I remember feeling so anxious from the moment we got off the van. All I could think about was what do i say? what do i do? how do i make a good impression? how can i convince these families to believe? All i could think about was my inadequacy. I was focusing on my ability to perform and say the right thing at the perfect time. We visited two families that day and I walked away from the second house so disappointed in myself and feeing so inadequate. That night, God gave me opportunities to process this through conversations with my friend on the van and in team debriefing. Through these conversations, I realized I had put myself on a pedestal.
I had to surrender my ways for God’s ways. I wasn’t just another American filling needs for an impoverished family. I was meant to get to know them like how God knows them. I was meant to love them like how God loves them. I was meant to be loved by them like how God loves me. I think that last one, to be loved by the families I met was the hardest one for me to understand. I could get to know them by asking good questions. I could love them by caring about what they say and remembering their names and sharing the gospel. But it was hard for me to know what it meant for me to be loved by them. I realized it meant sitting down when the family offered me a chair because they wanted us to sit from walking all day. It meant graciously taking the many MANY mangoes and snacks when the families gave them to us because they wanted us to be fed and hydrated for our travels. It meant receiving the gift from the little girl I met because that’s how she was saying thank you and I’ll miss you. That’s the humble posture God wanted me to take. He was saying, “let go of your pride and let yourself be loved and cared for.”
Yes, I was there to distribute filters and share the good news of Jesus. But most importantly, I realized I was there to build my trust in God. God didn’t need me to be in Guatemala to save a bunch of people. God can do that. He didn’t need me. But He called me because He wanted me to experience the goodness of His love and the joy that comes from trusting Him.
So for the remaining three days of distribution, I focused less on what I was supposed to be doing and if I was doing it right. And instead more on why I was here in the first place. My why was and always is Jesus. Because of His love, I know what it’s like to be loved and known and cherished. Jesus gave His life for me. I think for those of us who grow up hearing the gospel, we become so familiarized with a concept that is so radical. We should never look at the gospel and see it as common. Jesus died for me. He suffered the greatest pain there is: separation from God, His Father. He suffered because He knew me and loved me even before I was even alive. He gave His life for me, so why should I not give my whole life for Him? Why would I live my life in any other way than completely surrendered to Him when I know that He gave the greatest surrender first. So by remembering the why I was there, the what became easier.
God was kind to remind me the next day that the mistakes of yesterday don’t define me but that his mercies are new every morning and He is with me whenever I go. In return for my surrender, God blessed me so abundantly. He didn’t have to but out of His love for me, He did. He blessed the conversations I had with families, the vulnerable prayers that we shared, and the beautiful laughs we got to enjoy together. And by the end of the week I realized that the one family I got to witness deciding to follow Jesus was that second family on the first day when I felt so inadequate. God’s power was made perfect in my weakness. As I went to share the gospel, I myself experienced the power of the gospel more deeply. I realized there is no greater meaning for my life than to live in complete surrender to Jesus who gave His life for me.
But this surrender doesn’t end at one mission trip. The surrender is every day and every moment. The surrender is your life. It’s my waking up in the morning and thanking God for another day I get to breathe. It’s choosing to say thank You God even when I don’t feel thankful.
Coming into the trip, I had so many fears of uncertainty and worries about dangers of stepping out of my comfort zone. But I took a risk because I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. I took a risk as an act of faith.
And coming into this space of sharing in front of you all, it was hard.
I took a risk because the God I know is a God who is all powerful and who can handle anything and everything I experience. Our God is a God who we can trust. We can trust that whenever we step out in faith and obedience, He’s gonna be there in every step. I can trust that in every season, God is with me.
So I encourage you to pray a big, God-sized, faith-building prayer. Pray in your hearts with me as I pray to close: Father, thank You for this time where I got to share what You’ve done in my life. Thank You for this time I got to once again surrender to You. Thank You for Your love and grace that is so sufficient for me. Thank You that Your strength is made absolutely perfect in my absolute weaknesses. Thank You that I am weak so that Your power can be made strong. God, I want what You want. I want to do what You want me to do. Here’s my life. Do with it as You wish. May my life’s many endeavors match Your one surrender. Wherever You call me, I will say, “Yes, Lord. Here I am. Send me where you want me.” And I choose to admit that I’m weak and I don’t know what’s next, but in that I also choose to say I trust You God because You do know and You’re both all powerful and all loving. Thank You Jesus that You choose to suffer separation from God so that I would never have to be separated from God. As You have shown us, may we daily deny ourselves, take up our own cross and follow You. May we follow You in faith until that wonderful day we will see Your face and fall into Your arms. Thank You Jesus, all of these words I pray in Your Name. Amen.
As Written by Lois 