Control. An all or nothing kind of perfection. These dominated my life choices for the entirety of my childhood. And when I couldn’t control, I just pushed through, suppressing my feelings, being stricken with worry, and pondering the ambiguous “what-if.”
If I’m being honest (since that’s the whole point of this series), I didn’t know how to begin. In retrospect, I can see moments of my inner sense of adventure and a desire for honesty wanting to reach out, but I didn’t have the courage to just step forward and do so.
Then I came across a clip of Dr. Brené Brown’s speech on Netflix and me being the person that I am, I decided to spend an hour watching the full version. And to be quite dramatic, it was life-changing. But only after I experienced it for myself. When I first heard her lecture, it was the usual, “Oh, that was really inspirational. I’m definitely going to implement that in my life.” And as I’m sure we all know, we don’t implement that into our lives.
This time it was a little bit different. I actually crossed things off my bucket list, allowed myself to say yes, and to ask questions I normally would’ve just answered in my head. I thought I was doing so much, but as great of a first step that was, it still wasn’t enough. The difference in my life was still marginal.
That was October. Then, November came and went. Finally, December rolled around. And if you know me, you’ll recognize that this is my absolute favorite month because of all the birthdays, holidays, presents, cold season, and time with family. It was only this time around when I actually started to crack my shell just a little bit more. I rewatched Dr. Brené’s speech, but this time in the form of a 20 minute TED Talk. She discussed her research on shame through personal anecdotes that people were sharing with her. At the end of it all, something was missing, and through further study, she found that all of her research came down to a sense of worthiness. Everyone could be divided into two groups: those who had a sense of worthiness and those who didn’t. The two things everyone in the first group had in common was a sense of courage and a full embrace of vulnerability.
I cannot do justice to her beautiful speech by summary, so here is a small segment of her own words:
They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating — as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, “I love you” first … the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees … the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They’re willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
And this is what stood out to me. I became willing to invest time into calling or at least texting a friend who I know had a bad day. Willing to apologize first in a fight with my parents. Willing to ask questions even if everyone else seemed to have a handle on it. Willing to say something was making me uncomfortable and to set boundaries accordingly. Willing to be honest in a friendship even if it meant losing it.
I became more comfortable with confrontation and speaking up, and although I am not yet ready to share all of the details, perhaps that itself is a perfect example that embracing vulnerability is a journey, and I am still on it. However, one thing I do wish to share with you is for me, this vulnerability branched out into my relationship with God as well as my writing. Both of these things are private and require such a personal connection.
Yet, even in my private journal entries, I was writing as though someone might read them, and it was this voice of judgment that stifled me. And in my faith, I am most definitely not the picture perfect Christian, and for a while, I let myself fall further down that pit of comparing myself to others, unable to realize that I could just get up again now. I learned to tell myself that it’s fully acceptable to feel sadness and fear and regret. It was this compassion and honesty I am working on applying for myself.
A little while after, I also came across a quote by Theodore Roosevelt that described the “man (or in my case, woman) in the arena.” This man in the arena was one who was risking his pride and tainting his face with “dust and sweat and blood.” Even if he fails, at least he does so “while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” I later realized that this was the very quote that had struck a chord with Dr. Brené as well.
You’re allowed to be imperfect and fail. In fact, you might fail every time. But the fact that you allow yourself to try is what is so beautiful. That is courage, which gives you the ability to be compassionate to yourself. Without being kind to yourself, you cannot practice compassion with others. You cannot form genuine relationships because you know you’re being dishonest. This causes you to distance yourself, claiming that you’re protecting them or yourself from getting hurt. However, I have learned that vulnerability allows you to let go of what you or others think you should be and lets you become who you are.
As my final remark of the first part of my series, I strongly recommend that you take just a fraction of your day to watch Brené’s TED Talk. Watch it. Then rewatch it. Go take a walk, think about it, and watch it again. Watch it as many times as it takes for you to not only realize her message but for you to truly embrace vulnerability into your life. It’s life changing and necessary.
But just in case you need more convincing (because I sure did), I’ll write out the rest of this series and make my best case for vulnerability. Even if her speech or my writing does not fully impact you now, I hope they plant a seed in you. One that will continue to grow until you yourself are daring greatly and are just as excited to tell others about your experiences with rewiring vulnerability in your own life.
Watch the TED Talk:
As Written by Lois 